There is one word to describe me the past few weeks and that word is SLUG.
I swear I don’t know what’s my problem. I’m not sick (I don’t think). I’m not depressed (stressed, maybe, but not depressed). I haven’t been getting any less sleep than usual (not as much as I should, still, but certainly not less than I’ve been getting). I get up in the morning and feel completely devoid of energy. Going out seems more trouble than it’s worth and the thought of housework demoralizes me (okay, so that’s actually not unusual).
Unfortunately my general malaise has extended to writing. I sit and stare at the screen where I write my entries and my feelings are summed up in one word: meh.
I did go and have my thyroid tested to see if it’s gone haywire again. Haven’t heard back from them yet. I’m hoping that’s what it is — though I must admit that all the times in the past I was sure it was wonky again and requested a test, it turned out to be fine. So I’m not really banking on that being the problem.
I don’t know — can you be depressed and not think you are depressed? Come to think of it, though, the worst depression I ever had, I didn’t realize I was depressed until after I got better. I just thought life sucked. Then I came out of it and looked back and was shocked just how bad off I’d been. So maybe I am cycling through a mild depression right now. It’s been a while since the last time — two years, maybe more. If I remember correctly, this is what I felt like that time, too.
So if I am depressed — well, that just bites. I was certain my depression was a side effect of hormonal birth control — which I’m no longer on. So that would leave me with only two possibilities: either I am just prone to getting depressed sometimes, or, going back to where I started, my thryoid is out of whack (depression is one of the symptoms of hypothyroidism; one which I have dealt with before when my thyroid has been raging out of control).
If it’s not thyroid-related it could be caused by the fact that I? Do not do real well when confined to the house for too long. And confined I have been. I haven’t been anywhere major in nearly five months now and that just doesn’t bode well for my mental state. I have to go, go, go in order to be truly fulfilled. Sitting here day…after day….after day lends itself to me going a bit nutty. I am wired to be roaming the countryside and that hasn’t been possible lately because I haven’t had the funding to do so. Hopefully things will improve this summer enough that I will be able to step up my travels a bit and keep busy.
And where does this leave me? Well, sitting by the phone, waiting to hear the test results, pretty much. If they come back normal then I guess it’s a waiting game. If nothing else, I have my trip to Louisville coming up at the end of May. A trip always snaps me out of it if I’ve been moping. Of course, if a client would come along and drop a nice, big bundle of cash in our laps, that would probably go a long way toward perking me up, as well.
Here’s to more enthusiastic entries in the very near future.