An update

Standard

In case you missed yesterday’s post: I had an ultrasound yesterday and they found nothing — no baby. I have not confirmed the term with my doctor but I am pretty sure it is what they would consider a “blighted ovum.” I guess the egg got fertilized and set my body off thinking it was pregnant but then it just never developed past that first stage.
I had started spotting a few weeks ago but it was a very small amount and was mostly brown, plus I had no cramps so I was still optimistic it was nothing too bad. However, since that never happened with either of my other pregnancies I also realized it could mean something wrong. I went to my GP since I didn’t have prenatal care set up yet. She wanted to “wait and see” but I insisted on an ultrasound. I’m glad I did because the worst was not knowing.
As for me….well, I guess, to pin my main feeling down, it’s disappointment. I hope everyone understands I am NOT speaking for anyone else who has had this situation or telling them how to feel. But for ME, personally, it helps a LOT to know it was never really a baby. I think if it had developed into a baby and had a heartbeat and then died I would feel a thousand times worse. Basically with this we had a fertilized egg which never went beyond that stage. It was just my stupid body didn’t realize what had happened until much later. It had all still seemed so unreal to me I hadn’t really bonded with what I thought was the baby. I had made plans, though, and now knowing those plans won’t happen is disappointing and saddening.
I am hanging in there, though. Today I really feel pretty good. Wishing I hadn’t put everybody through this, of course, and worrying a little about the whole possible D&C aspect. (We will speak to the doctor today about how we are supposed to find out if everything is out or not.)
Our current plan is to focus on Christmas and moving this month. We found a place to rent already. Our lease starts at the beginning of January so we have lots to do. The idea is to get Christmas done and get moved and then, after the first of the year, we will figure out how we want to proceed — meaning, do we want to try to facilitate our having a third child, which we had both gotten used to and excited about, or do we cut our losses and quit while we are ahead? I am glad I don’t have to think about it right now because I honestly have no clue how I feel. I definitely need some more space between this and making my decision. And I have SO much to do this month. I have a friend in CA who is getting married on New Year’s Day and wants me in the wedding so I may be running out there by myself for a few days for that — in the midst of moving!
I want to thank everyone for their support in this. I also wanted to let everyone know that, yes, I am sad and disappointed but I am NOT depressed or devastated and please, don’t anyone feel like you have to walk on eggshells around me or give me any special treatment. The way I deal with things is to move on and go about my normal routine. I avoided people all day yesterday because I wasn’t ready to hash out the entire story. But now I’d like to make a clean breast of it here and then get everything back to normal. I really do have a lot to be thankful for this holiday season and I’m not one to wallow so please don’t feel like I need to be handled with kid gloves or anything.
Thanks to everyone for all your kind comments, prayers, thoughts, etc!

Advertisements

About msmaryb

I'm a native Californian who lives in Oklahoma. I'm a full-time student, pursuing a Bachelors in Anthropology, following which I hope to attain a Masters in Archaeology. I have three kids, one husband, no pets, and a lot of friends - most of whom live inside my computer. I love to read, write, watch tv (shut up, we can't all be brain surgeons), shop, and travel. I'm trying to set foot in all 50 states before I die. I have 38, so far. I love the Beatles and Maroon 5, and if you think those two things are incongruous, well, they are. But that's me. When I love something, I love it 100%. I don't do anything halfway. I want to know everything there is to know, so I'm trying to cram as much into my brain as I can in the short amount of time I'm allotted in this dimension.

6 responses

  1. My two cents?? I think you should do what works for you; if that involves being busy, then you have the perfect month for it. As far as the decision to go for three, I agree that you should take some time to deal with what happened before you decide. You may just want to let Nature take it’s course. I promise not to do the uncomfortable-dance-on-egshells with you; I’d probably just trod on your foot, anyway! 😉

  2. Hi Mary,
    Remember me from 20ish? I just wanted to “de-lurk” here for a minute and tell you that I know what you are going through. I had the same thing happen last September (miscarriage, 11 weeks, empty sac). Try to take it easy…. I really have no advice… just my well wishes.
    Jen

  3. I just surfed in here, I wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. I lost a baby too and it is the hardest thing ever.

  4. I just wanted to stop lurking and tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I had a miscarriage almost 2 yrs ago. It would have been our 3rd. I portrayed the way I felt to everyone almost as a mirror image of what you said in your post but how I felt inside was totally different, I was pretty upset.
    Anyways- no real advice just take time, get lots of love from your hubby for now. Then Decide what’s best for you both.
    Big Hugs.

  5. I am so sorry sweetie…I am here if you need to talk! I know that you deal with things in your own way and it will all work out. You are very strong! Good luck with the move! I am praying for you and everything thats going on.
    Love ya!
    Sha