At least when the men in the white coats come I’ll get out of the house for a while

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I am going in-freaking-sane here.
It’s not enough that I’m suffering post-Christmas letdown mingled with disappointment at my CA trip not happening and sprinkled liberally with stress about having to move. But I was just sitting here, thinking, and I realized I am not even sure when was the last time I left the house, save for a late-night drive-thru run. I am thinking it’s been at least five days since I went anywhere properly. With Robert being so busy the past couple of weeks I have just been having him run errands for me because, by the time he gets home and I could have the car, everything is closed.
This is just so, SO not good, people. You are talking about a person that used to leave the house every single day. If I didn’t have a legitimate reason for going out I would invent something. I’d go in person to a business to ask them a question when a phone call from home would’ve sufficed — just for the sake of going somewhere. I used to get antsy and out-of-sorts if I hadn’t left town in a month and now I am going days on end without even leaving the house, and when I do leave it’s no further than Walmart or the church. And now I’m feeling like a caged lab rat; one who’s been confined its entire life and is unaware there’s a world outside the front door. That might be okay for some people but it is NOT okay for me. I don’t like that I’ve started feeling like, when I do have the opportunity to go somewhere, that it’s more trouble than it’s worth and that I’d rather just skip it and stay home. For other people that is a personality trait (which I totally respect) but for me it indicates psychological issues, and I’m not kidding. I’ve taken to sleeping most of the afternoon away and that means one of only two things: I’m dying of some dread disease or I am having a rough time of it, mentally. The Crazy, it be setting in.
A car for me looms on the horizon but, realistically, is probably still a couple months off. I’ve just had it. This is such a pathetic (and embarrassing) situation to be in. Don’t even get me started on how people who are way poorer than us, people who are on WELFARE have two cars, but we just can’t seem to swing it. I have given up trying to understand. All I can do is try to continue to be patient and hope that, once I actually do get a vehicle, I will be able to recondition myself to being a part of the world and not just living inside my own head.

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About msmaryb

I'm a native Californian who lives in Oklahoma. I'm a full-time student, pursuing a Bachelors in Anthropology, following which I hope to attain a Masters in Archaeology. I have three kids, one husband, no pets, and a lot of friends - most of whom live inside my computer. I love to read, write, watch tv (shut up, we can't all be brain surgeons), shop, and travel. I'm trying to set foot in all 50 states before I die. I have 38, so far. I love the Beatles and Maroon 5, and if you think those two things are incongruous, well, they are. But that's me. When I love something, I love it 100%. I don't do anything halfway. I want to know everything there is to know, so I'm trying to cram as much into my brain as I can in the short amount of time I'm allotted in this dimension.

3 responses »

  1. Is it the lack of car or the “bad” habit of not going out that’s keeping you in? I’m with you totally — we need to get out to keep balanced, especially when the kids are young and sometimes it is so much easier to stay in.

  2. Sweetie, totally don’t sweat it. Ben is 50 and I am 45, and still in Orange County most of the people we see driving around, and I mean of every demographic, have nicer cars than we drive. I do not know how people who probably work as housekeepers and are probably married to people who probably work as gardeners drive about in $50K trucks, but the fact is that they do.

  3. I feel the same way about being home, making excuses to get the hell out. It drives me nuts being here especially when I’m listening to Dora and Diego all day. (sigh)
    Welfare is NOT a good topic for me to discuss either. Grrrrrrr…. 🙂 I hope you get a car very soon and so sorry about your trip not working out. That sucks.

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