Kiss the Crazy goodbye

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So, here’s the deal. If there’s anything anyone can say about me it’s that I am honest when I write. I don’t sugar-coat things and I don’t go around trying to make people think things are wonderful when they aren’t. That doesn’t mean I print every single little irritation and stress I have; sometimes I don’t talk about certain situations at all. But it’s not for trying to hide it — sometimes I just don’t feel like hashing things out. Sometimes I do feel like laying it all out and this is one of those times.
I’ve decided that I need to go see a doctor and get on some anti-depressants.
I have been having issues with depression on and off for a number of years. The first really bad one I had was right after Madalyn was born. I am still convinced that particular episode was a side-effect of my thyroid which had gone raging out of control. However, I’ve had bouts with it since then and my thyroid is perfectly stable. Up till now I’ve managed to convince myself it’s outside factors: stress from the money situation, being overweight, being far away from my family, not having a car and being confined to the house since last summer, etc. And, while I’m sure those factors contribute to stirring things up, the bottom line is that I probably have a chemical imbalance and need to be on medication.
When I’m depressed it’s like a psychoses grab-bag. What symptom will she manifest this time? Fun for the whole family! Sometimes I do actually feel sad and depressed. Other times I don’t feel particularly down but I lose interest in the things I normally enjoy and even getting showered and dressed and leaving the house seems like more trouble than it’s worth. A lot of times I become truly, in my heart, convinced that my life completely sucks and there’s nothing to look forward to. Still other times I get angry. I’m super-irritable and everyone annoys me and I’m in a perpetual bad mood and dislike everything. A combination of the latter symptoms is what I experienced Sunday night and most of the day Monday. Kids? Annoying me no matter what they did. Robert? Wanted to kill him. Upcoming plans? Didn’t care; wasn’t excited. Life? It sucked. It sucked and the future was bleak and I had nothing to look forward to. Even the Beatles couldn’t reach me. They held no appeal. Now here is the part where I get really honest and where people who actually know me in real life get up and tiptoe away in horror. I was actually entertaining thoughts of picking up and going back to California. I didn’t think I could live with the guilt of taking the kids away from their dad, though, not to mention not being able to support them, so my next thought was that the kids don’t like me, anyway, so they’d probably be okay if I left them here with Robert. That’s how convinced I was that my life stunk. I only thought about that for a little while — ten minutes, maybe — and then I did realize that I couldn’t do that….but then I felt even more depressed because I had no way out. And it all seemed totally legitimate to me; there was no part of my mind that piped up, “Hey, you are being really melodramatic, here.” That’s the thing with it – when I’m in it it all seems completely rational.
This morning I woke up feeling a bunch better and it suddenly hit me: that is NOT normal. That’s not just being in a bad mood. Maybe if it only happened once but I have been up and down with depression for years. Sometimes it only stays a day or two; other times it’s months. And then it will go away for even up to a year and I think everything is peachy and then something like this happens. I’m just tired of it. I’m tired of not feeling normal.
And that’s another thing — I think I am at least slightly depressed a lot more of the time than I realize. I am a pretty irritable person and I think that could be mild depression that I’m just not recognizing. I am sick of yelling at the kids for stupid stuff and getting annoyed at them for things that needn’t be annoying. My kids are great kids. They are very well-behaved about 80% of the time. Yet here I am getting irritated at things like Madalyn saying “I’m hungry” as soon as she walks in the door from school. Who does that? Who gets annoyed at their child for asking for a snack?
There have been a few times since Madalyn was born where, looking back, I now recognize I felt completely, 100% normal. It was sheer bliss. The first time was starting when she was 6 months old and I finally got my thyroid under control, which, in turn, made the depression disappear. I suddenly realized, looking back, just how bad off I’d been. I didn’t realize it when I was in it — like I said, it all seems perfectly rational while it’s happening. I had just thought life sucked and there was nothing I could do about it. Then, to come out of that and feel, not ridiculously elated all the time, just NORMAL, was amazing. I want to feel like that again. I’m sick of the ups and downs and of trying to find things that will make me feel better and only do so temporarily (shopping, trips, etc.) I still want to do all those things but I don’t want those things to be the only saving grace of my entire week, or month.
So there we have it. It’s off to the doctor I go. I’m hoping a low dose of something with few side effects will do the trick for me. I am also hoping I can get in to see someone and get my prescription before I head to California. It would be very, very nice to be able to return from my trip and not have a post-trip crash like I often have had in the past.
Wish me luck.

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About msmaryb

I'm a native Californian who lives in Oklahoma. I'm a full-time student, pursuing a Bachelors in Anthropology, following which I hope to attain a Masters in Archaeology. I have three kids, one husband, no pets, and a lot of friends - most of whom live inside my computer. I love to read, write, watch tv (shut up, we can't all be brain surgeons), shop, and travel. I'm trying to set foot in all 50 states before I die. I have 38, so far. I love the Beatles and Maroon 5, and if you think those two things are incongruous, well, they are. But that's me. When I love something, I love it 100%. I don't do anything halfway. I want to know everything there is to know, so I'm trying to cram as much into my brain as I can in the short amount of time I'm allotted in this dimension.

4 responses »

  1. First off, if I had categories, “boo-freakin-hoo” would have to be one of them. I realize, though, that *this* is not comedy. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, but I’m glad you’re recognizing it. Here’s hoping your happy pills will go a long way toward getting YOU back to happy.

  2. The toughest thing is recognizing it because when you’re in a black depression, it’s so hard to recognize or remember that there is a different world out there. Having recognized that, yes, find the way back by whatever means works for you. Be willing to experiment. Be willing to ask friends for help. We will be there for you. Drugs may work, they may not. Friends will always help.

  3. I can totally Relate ! I’m so happy for you that you are getting help for it though… Maybe I should follow suit 😉
    The part about being annoyed about asking for a snack – got me… I have been there girl friend – I have been there. It does make you feel like a loser too…
    Keep us posted at the PB’s how you are doing. We need that conversation – it’s a good one 🙂

  4. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been holding all this inside… I’ve had my own issues with depression in the past & I know how hard it makes living… Do what you can to take care of yourself and we’ll all send out happy vibes for you!

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