Melancholy baby


“Waaaaaaah!” pretty much sums things up for me right now. My parents, who have been here since Labor Day, will be heading out tomorrow before sun-up. And I? I am crashing, big-time.
This usually happens when they visit and often happens when I visit out there — though it didn’t this last trip. I felt so awful the entire time I was there I was thrilled to come home. It’s always harder when they come here and then leave. Even though I haven’t felt up to par most of the time they’ve been here and I’ve been pretty grouchy I still wish they didn’t have to go.
The regret is setting in, too. I’m realizing (as happens every time) all the stuff we just didn’t get around to doing. We always manage to miss doing some of the things I’d planned but even moreso this time because I haven’t felt well. It’s not that they expect to be entertained while they’re here; this is all me. I like to make the most of visitors’ time here and I feel like I’ve dropped the ball if all we’ve done is sit around the house every day.
Then there’s also the regret for how I’ve been behaving while they’ve been here. I have NOT been a barrel of fun, I think. The combination of being off my medication and being sick all the time is not a good one for me. Like I said, I’ve been grouchy and irritable and lazy and I feel rotten about it. I’m really hoping that I’m in a better place, mentally and physically, when we go out there at Christmas because I feel like I’ve been a total $h*t the entire time they’ve been here.
So all this is enough to lay me low but then add to it that Robert has to go up to the panhandle tomorrow. He will also be leaving before sun-up and won’t be back till 10 p.m. or later. Now, it IS only one day and normally it wouldn’t faze me but when you add it onto the fact that it’s the same day my parents are leaving and I’m already down about that it gets a lot worse than it really is. It also means I’m going to have to handle the whole morning routine, the school drop-offs and the pick-ups, and dinner and the bedtime routine by myself tomorrow. Yes, I’m a BIG FAT WUSS. But between R and then my parents I’ve been so spoiled recently I’ve barely had to lift a finger. And the thought of having to take all this responsibility tomorrow if I feel as crappy as I’ve felt the past two days is a bit demoralizing. Like I said: I = big fat wuss. Honestly, though, if I wasn’t pg, or if I was feeling normal it wouldn’t be an issue. I’m just wiped out, wrung out and beaten down by feeling like heck all the time.
My usual fix for a crash like this is to focus on things I have to look forward to on the horizon. I DO have some things…..and yet it’s hard for me to be excited about them because, again, we’re back to the “feeling awful” situation. There’s stuff coming up that promises to be fun — IF I am feeling well by the time they arrive. So, blah, I’m sorry, but I’m basically just one huge downer right now.
Have I mentioned how much help my parents have been? My mom has done so much for the kids and both parents did a whole handful of household repairs and such that I either didn’t have the motivation or knowledge to do myself. My mom has bought us so much stuff since she’s been here and the only reason my van isn’t abandoned on the side of the road, out of gas, is because she bought me 3/4 of a tank last week. (We have been in sort of a tight few weeks because the money from R’s new clientele won’t kick in till the beginning of October and no other clients had paid him in a couple weeks.) I hate that they have to come here and do all this stuff but I’m very grateful and I hope they don’t feel like they HAVE to do it. I could always use a little help but moreso now than any other time. They’ve been a godsend.
I suppose that will have to suffice for an update for now. Hopefully I will have a good day soon and feel like writing something a little more cheerful.


About msmaryb

I'm a native Californian who lives in Oklahoma. I'm a full-time student, pursuing a Bachelors in Anthropology, following which I hope to attain a Masters in Archaeology. I have three kids, one husband, no pets, and a lot of friends - most of whom live inside my computer. I love to read, write, watch tv (shut up, we can't all be brain surgeons), shop, and travel. I'm trying to set foot in all 50 states before I die. I have 38, so far. I love the Beatles and Maroon 5, and if you think those two things are incongruous, well, they are. But that's me. When I love something, I love it 100%. I don't do anything halfway. I want to know everything there is to know, so I'm trying to cram as much into my brain as I can in the short amount of time I'm allotted in this dimension.

2 responses »

  1. Sorry to hear you’re having a rough time! I can’t imagine the combo of going off my meds plus early pregnancy. Yuck.
    If you look through JZ’s backpack you’ll come across a blue retro Beatles t-shirt. I was up at Target on Tuesday with a group of girls and saw it. I held it up and said to them ‘Who needs this??!!’ and they all answered “JZ!!”. It was too cute. Hope it brightened your day a bit!!!

  2. Please do not, for one moment, feel badly about our visit. It makes me sad that you aren’t feeling great. First of all, we’re old and junk so sitting around the house is just fine with us. I didn’t feel under pressure to do any of the stuff I did. I’m sorry we didn’t get to all the stuff you wanted to get done. So no regrets! We had a good visit and, as usual, the time went by way to fast.
    Love Ya!

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