Rough days


Eliza is not doing very well at night right now. She had a few decent nights in a row and I got excited that she was starting to establish a routine. But then, Saturday night, everything went downhill and has been horrible ever since. Basically we are talking up every 30-60 minutes all night long, with maybe a 90-minute block or two hours if I’m lucky. She’s asleep right now (8:30 p.m.) and I’m stressing out over it because the more she sleeps now the less likely she is to sleep well tonight — if there was any chance of that to begin with.
What’s bumming me out is I want to enjoy my time with her right now. She won’t be this little for long and it’s my last shot. But I’m finding that, instead of snuggling in and relaxing, I am sitting here dreading tonight, instead. If she was sleeping decently at night I wouldn’t begrudge her the sleep she’s getting right now. I’d love to just settle in on the couch with some dessert and one of my t.v. shows and hold her while she snoozed. But it’s hard for me to do that when I know what’s coming later.
I think maybe if Eliza was my only child it wouldn’t be so bad because I wouldn’t have anything to do during the day but sleep when she slept and get caught up. But I have two other kids to take care of so I have to keep going and going whether I am exhausted or not. Heck, I think even if this was Friday or Saturday night and Robert was home I wouldn’t be as stressed out because I’d have help and I wouldn’t have anything looming over my head tomorrow. But my parents are leaving at 4 a.m. to head home and Robert is gone until tomorrow night so it’s all me in the morning doing the entire pre-school routine, dropping off, picking up, then taking Madalyn to her first t-ball practice.
Bottom line, though, is that no matter what the following day holds, it is really difficult right now. I’m exhausted, sad about my parents leaving, sad about Robert going back to work and at a loss as to why Eliza’s schedule is so backwards. I already do everything “they” say to help your baby get its days and nights sorted out. For all I know it could be something else; something I’m totally missing. And how long will it go on? That’s what’s eating at me. I know it won’t go on forever but it could go on for months and months and I don’t know how well I will hold up if that happens. After all the fuss about me wanting her to hurry up and get here I feel like a jerk complaining at all. I mean, it’s not like I didn’t know I was going to lose sleep after she got here. I just didn’t expect quite this much upheaval. JZ was a lousy sleeper but even he was good for a few hours at a time. I am completely befuddled by this every 30-60 minutes business. The only thing I can hope is that she has been going through a growth spurt. Also in the days since things went bad she was nursing a ton during the daytime. Today, though, she seems to have cut back a little so maybe…..just maybe it was a growth spurt that is now winding down.
Whatever it is I just hope it passes quickly so I can enjoy my girl more. I want to enjoy this stage instead of hoping she’ll hurry and grow past it.


About msmaryb

I'm a native Californian who lives in Oklahoma. I'm a full-time student, pursuing a Bachelors in Anthropology, following which I hope to attain a Masters in Archaeology. I have three kids, one husband, no pets, and a lot of friends - most of whom live inside my computer. I love to read, write, watch tv (shut up, we can't all be brain surgeons), shop, and travel. I'm trying to set foot in all 50 states before I die. I have 38, so far. I love the Beatles and Maroon 5, and if you think those two things are incongruous, well, they are. But that's me. When I love something, I love it 100%. I don't do anything halfway. I want to know everything there is to know, so I'm trying to cram as much into my brain as I can in the short amount of time I'm allotted in this dimension.

6 responses »

  1. mary–don’t forget..i have kids at both schools you do and I AM YOUR NEIGHBOR!! The kids loved playing with JZ and Mad..and would love to do it again soon..just let me know.. I could swing by and pick them both up before school. Especially if Eliza is snoozing..please don’t hesitate to ask. i leave around 8:15ish…also, you should commiserate with kiah..i think she is feeling a lot of the same things.

  2. Do you co-sleep with her? She sounds like my Esther in terms of early sleeping patterns. The only thing that saved my sanity was that we kept her in bed with us. She’d wake, I’d pop out a boob & latch her on, and then fall back asleep. Heck, it even made the next wake-up easier b/c she’d fallen asleep still attached to my boob. Not perfect – far from it – but at least I wasn’t dragging my sorry butt out of bed and down the hall every time she woke up… Anyway, hope she’s over it soon and that you get a bit more sleep real soon…

  3. oh my gosh. i thought i was reading my life. what was i thinking wanting him out so quickly when i was getting a little sleep. i dread every evening because i wonder how the night is going to be. i was a basket case when my mom left. hope tonight goes better.
    eternally feeding, k

  4. The only thing I know is that lack of sleep tends to exacerbate absolutely everything, but you as the adult can’t win in a situation with a newborn. The sleeplessness plus those darn hormones make this period hard, especially when good ‘ole self-induced mommy guilt gets thrown in there. I’d be willing to say your feelings are totally normal for this post-partum period and nobody would doubt for a second the love you have for your kids, ok??? Please, please remember (you and Kiah both) that there are people here who remember how that post-partum roller coaster felt and will do anything they can to help out, be it meals, play dates, pick-ups, etc. We are all but a phone call, text message, or an e-mail away and you are NOT bothering us!!! Hang in there; you know it does eventually settle down and get better. Your other two kiddos are proof you can do a wonderful job.

  5. Hey Mary–
    Just thought I’d post a comment instead of emailing you–figured you read this more often and easier than the other.
    I’m feeling a bit twisted about being out here in California instead of over there to be supportive to you–I CAN say this though: you have an awesome support group of women and if that’s not enough, you already are an awesome mom. I know what you’re feeling right now, having had two children of my own and one with jaundice (who we had to weigh in a giant tupperware bowl atop a scale, to rid ourselves of the fear of Bre dwindling away to nothing).
    YOU ARE AWESOME AND YOU ARE RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE! Just remember to breathe; without oxygen, you’re useless. With one breath of life and a tidbit of sleep, you’re one of the most awesome people I know (and, I’m an expert, I have over 20 years of accumulated knowledge in the “Mary – is – awesome” field”.
    Lots of love, Nichol

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