Folks, I am the very definition of torn.
All along I have planned to attend Abbey Road on the River (world’s largest Beatles festival in Louisville, KY) and take Eliza with me. I have traveled, alone, with babies before so I didn’t think it would be an issue. Now I’m having second (and third, and fourth) thoughts. I’ve even gone so far as to email the AROTR people to make sure the weekend pass (already purchased) can be returned for a full refund.
I had thought that I could get a sling and wear Eliza in it all weekend and everything would be hunky-dory. I’m not really sure that would work, though. She is still on a funky schedule; that is, NO schedule. I can’t be sure what she will do from one day to the next. I have no reason to think she would sleep in the sling, so what am I supposed to do? Spend half the day in the hotel room while she naps? What good does that do? And what about nights? She is up every 2-3 hours to begin with and then starts giving me real trouble around 4 a.m. I am tired, people. T. I. R. E. D. I have no reason to expect her to change in the next 25 days. She might…..but she probably won’t. Sure, we could sleep in like we do here at home sometimes but then I’m missing part of the day’s events, which is the entire reason for me being there in the first place. Also it gives me some anxiety about whether we’re disturbing the sleep of our hotel neighbors.
Plus there’s the logistical aspect of it all. It’s a big trip to make by myself with a newborn. Do I splurge and buy her a seat on the plane or do I hold her the entire way there, through two flights? How do I wrangle her car seat? Do I take the stroller, or do I assume I can wear her in the sling all weekend, even when walking downtown, and run the risk of getting there and finding out it kills my back? (By the way, I have purchased the sling but haven’t figured out how to use it yet so I don’t even know if she will tolerate it, let alone be happy spending an entire weekend in it. And she is not the type, so far, to sleep peacefully while out and about. She is the “cry lots till someone picks me up” type.)
In addition, I am having major guilt feelings about the expense. I just don’t know that I want to spend all that money this year, especially when I want to turn right around and leave for California (MAJOR expense) just a month or so later.
So what to do…..what to do? I am so torn. On the one hand it would almost be a relief to decide not to go. On the other hand I enjoy it so much and I’d almost feel guilty for NOT going. However I also have to keep in mind that the fun I have had there the past two years has been without a baby in tow. There’s just no way my experience would be the same this year as the previous two, and I can’t see how it would be improved by having Eliza along. Robert is no help. I mentioned there was no guarantee Eliza would be doing better sleep-wise in another three weeks and his response was, “Well, she might!” So, yeah, not a lot of help coming from that quarter (not that he should be making the decision for me, anyway). I know that if I don’t go when the weekend rolls around and I’m sitting here, knowing it’s going on without me, I will be blue. But then I keep going back to the fact that I am putting it in the context of me being there, alone, having “me time” and that’s just not how it would go this year. This year it might, quite possibly, be more work than fun, and why should I spend that much money for something that’s going to be a lot of work? I could stay home and work for free.
I really don’t know what to do. I change my mind every five minutes. Yesterday when Robert and I were discussing it, literally five minutes after the words “I don’t think I’ll go” came out of my mouth an episode of “Road Tasted” came on Food Network. Where were they? Louisville! So that started me thinking, “Hmm, is that a sign??” Then Eliza cries, or is up from 2 a.m. till 3:30 a.m., like she was this morning, and I go back to thinking, “Forget it! There’s no way I’d have nearly as much fun as usual.” Then the Beatles come on XM and I hear them and think, “But I HAVE TO go!” Which makes no sense. Nobody there is expecting me to show up. I haven’t made any friends at the festival that I plan to see while there. The only person affected by my not going is myself. It’s not like the Beatles, themselves, are there and expecting to see me. Perhaps that’s part of why I’m waffling. Maybe I have a subconscious feeling that I will be somehow letting the boys down if I don’t go. Of course that makes NO sense but it’s sort of part of the curse of being overanalytical as I am. I guess I just feel like I hate to waste the opportunity. If I don’t go this time it’s another whole year before I can go again. I suppose to really decide I need to imagine myself doing all the things I do there only with a baby in tow. The problem is I don’t know how to imagine her acting and that is a big factor in the decision. I honestly don’t know what I could expect from her, behaviorally. She could enjoy being outside around all the people or we could get there and she could spend much of the time crying, leaving me perpetually nursing or, even worse, being confined to the room.
I don’t know what I was thinking, trying to do this. It would’ve been much better if I’d just planned all along to skip it this year.
Folks, I am the very definition of torn.