I have got one of those nagging feelings that there’s something I should be doing, or dreading, or fixing. Robert and all the kids are gone over to his dad’s house and I should be reveling in the peace and quiet; perhaps planning some toothsome nosh to be enjoyed while watching some of my DVR’ed shows. Instead I sit here, on edge, feeling as though there’s something worrisome about which I’ve forgotten.
Lots of people would be just fine with this state of affairs. Either they’d figure if it was that important they wouldn’t have forgotten it, or they’d be content with the respite from worrying about the issue for as long as it took them till they finally remembered. Not I. I am not one to do well with unpleasantness hanging over my head. If there’s a problem, I don’t want to ignore it. I want to identify it and then implement a solution as soon as humanly possible. I can’t fully enjoy my usual simple pleasures if there’s something less-enjoyable lurking around the edges of my periphery the entire time. I don’t compartmentalize well. If there’s an aspect of my life that is less than stellar it tends to cast a pall over everything else.
In situations such as this the best thing for me to do is write about it and try to dissect why I’m feeling this way. Oftentimes I will discover that it’s not so much one, big, upsetting situation that’s nagging at me so much as several small, relatively minor issues (must-dos, unresolved problems) that have snowballed to create a feeling of trepidation. Then all I need to do is separate all the components (usually by making a list of them) and think of resolutions to each and my anxiety vanishes.
I know, for certain, that part of my problem is the ongoing van issue. It was “fixed” as of Thursday afternoon — it was (allegedly) a mere battery connection problem. It ran fine until last night when we left the restaurant where we ate dinner and it repeated the same problem that caused me to have it towed last Tuesday. This time, instead of failing to stay on, though, once we got it turned on it continued to run and then were able to drive home. This morning when Robert started it it hesitated but then fired up and worked okay. We are thinking it’s a battery issue still — last night it lost power and then when we got it to turn on and stay on the alternator charged the battery enough that it still had some juice this morning. I am going to go have the battery tested and hopefully it really is as minor as that — but it’s an unresolved van issue and I HATE unresolved van issues. I hate that crap worse than having to pay to have it fixed. I’d rather know what’s wrong with it and know it will be repaired rather than wondering, every damned time I go out to start the thing, whether it’s going to run, whether I’ll be able to get the kids to and from school or go pick up milk at the grocery store if I need it. Knowing the thing is running, but begrudgingly, and not knowing how long it will last this time really gets to me.
The other thing that could be contributing is quite silly, now that I’m sitting here picking it apart. I had a dream this morning that we got into trouble over a specific situation in our lives. Now, the circumstances through which we got into this trouble in the dream are simply not going to happen. They involve other people doing things for which, in the real world, there is no reasonable expectation of them doing. And yet I’m left with this slightly anxious feeling that these actions will somehow transpire, or that we will otherwise end up in the same trouble via different means. It’s a situation that is not really easy to resolve just this minute, so I’m left with that limbo that I hate so much. Instead of being able to solve the problem and rest easy in my mind I am constantly on hyper-alert, always watching. Makes it very hard to relax. I think the dream, which was very realistic, is amplifying the daily concern I’ve had over this issue for the past few weeks. I need to shake loose of the dream’s residual feelings and understand that the chances of this causing us problems are no larger today than they were yesterday. (I realize all this is very vague but I don’t want to go into too much more detail.)
Yes, I think those two things, plus the added elements of Madalyn’s upcoming birthday, for which I don’t feel I’m prepared, AND Halloween, for which the older two kids still have no costumes, AND the trip I’m supposed to take next month but now appears to be in jeopardy, would very likely be the reasons for my unsettled feeling.
And, so, with all that said, has this actually helped much? Perhaps a little. I have begun to realize as I type this that the main factor in my feeling this way, today, was the dream. Unfortunately, recognizing this doesn’t do that much to alleviate the worries. The only thing that will truly help that is to get through today and see that what I dreamed of happening isn’t actually going to come to pass. Until then I guess I’m destined to spend the day feeling this way. Bummer.