Today was my longest day of school out of the four days a week I go. I had three classes (one in a room where the air conditioner worked scarcely, if at all), I did quite a bit of schoolwork, and the last class involved me trekking down a huge hill to the basketball arena and then back up said hill and across campus to my car – in 100-degree heat. After I left school I drove across town to pick up Eliza, came home, got changed, started some laundry, got the baking potatoes ready to put in the oven tonight and got a snack for Eliza.
Would someone please tell me that, after all that, it’s okay that I don’t feel like immediately getting started on my homework or working on any tidying projects around the house? Because I totally have this nagging feeling right now that I should be working. Y’all, none of my homework is even due tomorrow. I have something that has to be turned in online by Friday at 11am (and which is basically already finished), and my other assignment (about half a page’s worth) isn’t due until next Wednesday. I feel I should start on my “cheat sheet” I’m allowed for my first algebra assessment. In September. I’m not exactly up against a deadline here on any of this. And yet here I am with a persistent, pernicious voice in my head saying, “Come on, gotta stay ahead, get it done now and you have no homework this weekend.” Which is an appealing prospect, I will agree – but it’s only Wednesday. Heck, it’s only Wednesday afternoon. Surely an hour or so of work later tonight when the kids are in bed would be more than sufficient, and then another block of time tomorrow evening could finish it off.
I really do wish I could silence this….whatever it is. It’s a need to do everything perfectly. The instructor gives us an assignment that’s due Friday? No, if I leave it till Thursday night that means I’m not “on top of it” – better do as soon as I get home. Professor asks for a two page essay? Better make it four, just to prove how smart I am or how committed I am. I’m afraid if I maintain this frenetic pace I’m going to get burned out. I have got to get over my distaste for having things “hanging over my head” and give myself permission to sometimes, not always, but sometimes do the minimum needed to get by. I’m becoming exhausted from listening to my own internal monologue.