Breathe.

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Today was my longest day of school out of the four days a week I go. I had three classes (one in a room where the air conditioner worked scarcely, if at all), I did quite a bit of schoolwork, and the last class involved me trekking down a huge hill to the basketball arena and then back up said hill and across campus to my car – in 100-degree heat. After I left school I drove across town to pick up Eliza, came home, got changed, started some laundry, got the baking potatoes ready to put in the oven tonight and got a snack for Eliza.

Would someone please tell me that, after all that, it’s okay that I don’t feel like immediately getting started on my homework or working on any tidying projects around the house? Because I totally have this nagging feeling right now that I should be working. Y’all, none of my homework is even due tomorrow. I have something that has to be turned in online by Friday at 11am (and which is basically already finished), and my other assignment (about half a page’s worth) isn’t due until next Wednesday. I feel I should start on my “cheat sheet” I’m allowed for my first algebra assessment. In September. I’m not exactly up against a deadline here on any of this. And yet here I am with a persistent, pernicious voice in my head saying, “Come on, gotta stay ahead, get it done now and you have no homework this weekend.” Which is an appealing prospect, I will agree – but it’s only Wednesday. Heck, it’s only Wednesday afternoon. Surely an hour or so of work later tonight when the kids are in bed would be more than sufficient, and then another block of time tomorrow evening could finish it off.

I really do wish I could silence this….whatever it is. It’s a need to do everything perfectly. The instructor gives us an assignment that’s due Friday? No, if I leave it till Thursday night that means I’m not “on top of it” – better do as soon as I get home. Professor asks for a two page essay? Better make it four, just to prove how smart I am or how committed I am. I’m afraid if I maintain this frenetic pace I’m going to get burned out. I have got to get over my distaste for having things “hanging over my head” and give myself permission to sometimes, not always, but sometimes do the minimum needed to get by. I’m becoming exhausted from listening to my own internal monologue.

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About msmaryb

I'm a native Californian who lives in Oklahoma. I'm a full-time student, pursuing a Bachelors in Anthropology, following which I hope to attain a Masters in Archaeology. I have three kids, one husband, no pets, and a lot of friends - most of whom live inside my computer. I love to read, write, watch tv (shut up, we can't all be brain surgeons), shop, and travel. I'm trying to set foot in all 50 states before I die. I have 38, so far. I love the Beatles and Maroon 5, and if you think those two things are incongruous, well, they are. But that's me. When I love something, I love it 100%. I don't do anything halfway. I want to know everything there is to know, so I'm trying to cram as much into my brain as I can in the short amount of time I'm allotted in this dimension.

2 responses »

  1. It is OK that you don’t do your homework immediately! Yes, you can push those nagging thoughts aside for now. You like to make lists, make a list of when to do what so that you finish it well before the deadline. I wouldn’t push the two page essay to four…pity the poor teacher. A slight overlap to a third page wouldn’t be excessive. I think your plan of an hour tonight and a little more tomorrow would work. I also think the nagging is because you don’t know what you will be given to do later. As the year progresses, you will feel more comfortable with the routine. Love Ya!

  2. Well, if you want me to be honest with you, I started out that way. And pretty much ended that way, too, with only a tad bit of motivation lost. lol I always believe in staying ahead, I always get as much school work out of the way as I can because you never know what’s going to come up. I know you’re going to do great. Good luck with the conflicting feelings on the subject. I’d just roll with the punches.

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