Category Archives: Blah

Humans Only

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I think we are petless.

Last Tuesday our cat, Grace, ran out the door and we haven’t seen her since. Being that she was raised as an indoor-only cat, she had no collar or tags. She has gone out a few times before and stayed out two or three days, but during those times I have sighted her around the property before she actually deigned to come back in the house. This time, I have seen hide nor hair of her and it’s been six days, not two or three. Tomorrow I will call the local shelter and see if she’s been turned in; however, she is not friendly to strangers and I can’t imagine anyone could get close enough to her to catch her.

I am left with mixed emotions. I am an advocate for animals. I love animals. This was an animal which I committed to care for and I’ve failed in that. As annoying as she’d become, I didn’t wish anything bad to happen to her. No animal deserves an untimely death or mistreatment. I don’t feel like I have any right to hope for or root for another living being’s demise. I was prepared to let her live out the rest of her natural life with us, taking care of her despite her foibles, because it was the right thing to do.

On the other hand, I am now faced with the prospect of being pet-free for the first time in twenty-two years. Since I got my dog when I was 15 I have always had at least one pet at all times; usually more. Besides the obvious hair and poop issues, having pets it also a logistical nightmare for people who travel as much as we do. It adds stress to a situation (getting ready to go on a trip) that already causes me a lot of anxiety.

There’s another thing – the anxiety I just mentioned? It really kicks in when a pet becomes ill. It’s very upsetting to me, not to mention dealing with the prospect of obtaining veterinary care when it’s sometimes not in the budget.

What I’m getting at is, after more than two decades, I am tired. I am tired of hair everywhere, “presents” on the floor every morning, the stress, the worry. I had thirteen – THIRTEEN – guinea pigs at one time, folks. It took me two hours just to clean all the cages. I spent thousands (yes, thousands) of dollars on vet care for them, ferrying them back and forth from where we live to an exotics vet in Guthrie (110 miles ONE. WAY.). I spent countless hours doing nursing care on sick guineas at home and had genuine anxiety and a legitimate grieving process when each was sick and subsequently died. It still hurts my heart to think of Cosmo, our cat who went missing a year ago, and, not only that, I still have never gotten over the death of my dog, Baby, over ten years ago.

I’m officially exhausted.

I’m exhausted from both an emotional and a practical standpoint. I am ready to not have to clean up barfed-up hairballs and crap from the floor and to not have a fine coating of hair on everything I own. I am ready to prepare for a trip and only have to worry about packing clothing and stopping the mail; maybe getting my brother-in-law to stop by just once while we’re gone to check on the house. I feel like I’ve given all the concern and affection and time that I can muster to pets and I don’t have any left. When having pets ceases to be a joy and becomes drudgery, it’s time to stop having pets.

I just wish it had happened with a happier ending. I’m sorry, Grace.

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Your new Misanthropy 2008

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I hate to complain (no, really, I do, despite all evidence to the contrary). But I’ve hit a lull here in Louisville and there’s no denying it.

I’ve been having a hard time getting into the festival today. It’s crowded, which isn’t surprising. It’s always way busier on Saturday and Sunday than the first two days. So it’s not like I didn’t know all these people would be here. That didn’t stop me, however, from having a severe flare-up of misanthropy. Everyone is annoying me today. I hate the general public. They are a bunch of sheeplike, ignorant dolts. Now, I will say the people who come to this festival are slightly less offensive than the people you’d find at, say, the fair, or an amusement park. But there’s still a damned lot of them and they are all getting on my nerves.

When I do venture downstairs, it’s a major project. The elevator situation in this hotel is shocking. There are only four and they should have twice that many. It has been like this every time I’ve been here. At certain times of day people are waiting as much as fifteen minutes to find space on an elevator going up. There’s really no excuse for it. I’ve never stayed in another hotel that has been this difficult to get around — not even in Vegas. This afternoon I spent ten minutes getting downstairs only to realize I had left my admission wristband in the room and had to go through the entire process again. Ugh.

At the festival I have been having a hard time focusing today. I get down there and listen to a couple songs and then lose interest and start wandering. I haven’t been too impressed with the bands I’ve heard today, either. I’m sure part of the problem is the crowd, which is distracting. Part of it may also be homesickness. I miss my kids, I guess. It’s not so much I wish I were home as I wish they’d come with me — which is INSANE because I sincerely doubt I’d be having any more fun if they were here. Talk about distracting!

Then, of course, there was the drama of yesterday, which sort of put a damper on my mood, figuratively, and a literal damper was put on last night when I got all ready and went downstairs only to find out it was pouring rain and the show I was going to see was called off. I also thought I’d feel better-rested, getting my first solid nights’ sleeps since before Eliza was born, but I still feel just as tired as ever. On top of all this, I feel fat and sloppy and ugly….what that has to do with my enjoyment of concerts, I don’t know, but there it is. I look pregnant and I’m afraid someone’s going to ask me when I’m due, and I hate my new hair.

It also occurs to me that maybe the luster of coming on this particular trip alone has worn off. I would venture a guess that less than 2% of the attendees are here by themselves. Everyone seems to have either friends or family with them. Normally that wouldn’t bother me. It hasn’t in the past, and I sure don’t mind doing most other stuff by myself. Perhaps, though, two times alone here was the most I could find enjoyable. I think this feeling is unique to this particular activity — I don’t think I’ve lost my enthusiasm for spending time alone; just for this one, specific thing.

So there’s the happy report for today. Yikes. I’m going to hang out here for a couple of hours — the next thing I wanted to see doesn’t start until 8:30 — and perhaps I will perk up a bit. If not tonight, then maybe by tomorrow morning. I would sure like to enjoy my last day here.

If you think I’m a complete boob for spending all this money on a trip and then complaining about it, it’s probably warranted. Hopefully this is just an off day and I will be back in the swing of things tomorrow.

It’s not you, it’s me. Or you.

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Do you ever go through a phase where it feels like everyone is ticked off, or at least mildly annoyed, at you? When you are suddenly struck with the impression that a memo has been sent out about you and everyone received it and signed off on it?
I’m having that now.
I don’t think I’m being paranoid but with me you never know. It could all be in my head. Or perhaps everyone is a little grouchy and down now that the holidays are over and the bad weather is really starting to kick in, and I’m picking up on that. All I know for sure is that people suddenly seem a bit testy and/or stonily silent with me when that’s not the norm for them. Whether it’s truly their actions or simply my perceptions I have yet to figure out.
If it is all on me then it becomes rather a vicious cycle. I perceive people as being annoyed with me so I get even more sensitive and overly-analytical of their behavior, which, in turn, makes them appear even more unfriendly toward me when it really may not be their intention.
If it’s NOT just my imagination then WTF, people? I don’t think I’ve been putting my foot in my mouth any more than usual recently. Lighten the hell up. Y’all should be used to me by now.
God. It’s no wonder I’m practically a hermit. I’m obviously not cut out for social interaction.

Blah, indeed

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I’m still here….still pregnant…..still waiting.
I know I must seem like a big whiner for complaining about her not having arrived yet. After all, my due date isn’t even for another 10 days. This is a different situation for me this time, though. I have never had to wait like this, not knowing when the baby would come. By this time with both the other pregnancies we had inductions scheduled. Now, Madalyn didn’t make her induction date but I didn’t know she was going to arrive early so I was focused on the date we had set. Johnny had a date set and we actually made it to that date. I have never before been sitting around at 38.5 weeks having NO idea when to expect the baby to be in my arms. It could be tomorrow and it could be another two weeks from now. *Sob* (Have I mentioned I’m a really big planner? Uncertainty and tentative plans don’t suit me well.) I’m thoroughly convinced this is the right way to do things this time, so I’m not complaining; it’s just different to deal with, is all.
I know that a lot of women are fed up with being pregnant by this stage because they are physically uncomfortable. Strangely enough that doesn’t really figure into it much with me. I did just tell Robert last night I miss lying on my tummy. However, I honestly have felt better the past three weeks or so than I had since last summer, so it’s not that I’m wanting her out because I’m miserable. I’m just bored. I’m bored with being pregnant and thinking about having a new baby. I want to have her here and get on to the fun stuff! Plus her arrival will be the first event in a virtual cascade of exciting happenings that stretch from now through the end of summer. I’m looking forward to getting that started.
So, ho-hum, that’s what’s going on here. Not much, in other words. I’m afraid my brain is rather consumed by this at the moment so I don’t have much else to write about. The kids are out on Spring Break this week so we will all be hanging around the house a lot, attempting to not drive each other stark raving mad. I don’t hold out much hope for our success!

Watching paint dry

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I am so incredibly, unbelievably bored.
I don’t know why this boredom has set in. My pet theory is that I am sick and tired of being pregnant and am dying to meet this little one, which has made everything else seem pale and dull by comparison. If that’s the case I’m in trouble because I still have another 7 weeks to kill (6, if I’m lucky) before she arrives.
It’s not that I have absolutely nothing to do. There tons I could, or should be doing. It’s just that none of it is very exciting. Nay, it is of a stricly of a utilitarian nature — such as cleaning my house before the midwife comes for the home visit and is so horrified she declines to return. I could also…..hmm…..nope, no “also”. It’s pretty much all housecleaning. And if you think my house can’t possibly be messy enough that it will take 7 weeks to clean your faith in me is charming. Ignorant and entirely misplaced, but charming.
Anyway, so I don’t know what might help me to shake off the unrelenting boredom. I’m not sure if it would be alleviated by more plans more grandiose than toilet scrubbing or whether I’m just going to be bored and impatient no matter what until this baby is born, after which I will transition gracefully to overworked and exhausted. The upside is I will likely be too worn out to be bored, so it’s an improvement.
This month we are planning to take a family trip down to Dallas one weekend — hopefully weekend after next. Perhaps planning that will give me something to look forward to in the nearer future and help some time to go by quickly.
You can bet, though, that come 36 weeks I am going to print out a list of tricks purported to help start labor (the safe ones, anyway) and I’m going to start at the top and work my way through. And if it doesn’t work by the end of the list I’ll start over again. I’m pretty sure I’ll skip the castor oil, though. I don’t know if I’d ever be THAT desperate to give birth.

Meh, meh and more meh

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I really wish I could think of something witty and urbane to post but I just can’t quite manage right now. I’m having one of those “I hate everything” phases. Does anyone get those besides me? I’m just….blah. I’m bored, the stuff I normally do that perks me up is failing to impress me and things just seem sort of flat. There are various things I’m feeling sort of down about and not much I can do to change any of it, which doesn’t tend to improve one’s state of mind. I have things coming up that I should be really excited about but, instead, all I can think of is how fast it will go by and then it will be over with and I’ll be back to nothing again.
Ah, nothing like getting the week off to a positive start, hmm?