I find myself on the eve of another “last day in California” and I don’t like it any more than I ever have.
I can’t say this trip zoomed by. Honestly it seems like an age since we left Oklahoma and I feel like we crammed a lot of activity into a short time here. So it’s not that the time went by fast….it’s that, as always, there wasn’t enough. Slow-moving, fast-moving; it doesn’t matter. It’s never enough.
Obviously, then, my first choice would always be to stay indefinitely. Just as obviously, that isn’t going to happen. This results in differing degrees of disappointment when the end of my stay arrives. Some trips (most often the ones I’ve stayed for a month or more) I am…not ready to go home, as in desirous of such…..but accepting of it and maybe even looking forward to things we have planned once we’ve gotten there. I may not want to leave but the amount of time until the next visit seems manageable and there is plenty to distract me in Oklahoma.
Then we have trips like this one. This time I’m not holding up quite so well. I can’t really pinpoint why that is. Maybe it’s because it’ll be about six months before I get out here again. (Between this visit and the previous one was only around four months, and I had a trip to San Francisco in between!) Maybe it’s because of the return to the school routine when we get back. As I may have mentioned before (eight thousand times) I HATE having my kids in school. I wish they could be home all the time. I hate missing out on that much time with them and having to kowtow to the school district’s schedules and rules. We get back and go right into all of that again, slogging through the seemingly interminable stretch from after-Christmas to Spring Break.
OR perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I’m going back to a house which is still in a state of chaos from our move three months ago. The amount of junk I have yet to deal with and the fact that there’s nowhere to put it is fairly depressing to me, not to mention overwhelming. I’m an ideological/theoretical neat freak. I crave everything being organized to the hilt but I don’t have the mental stamina nor the energy to make it so, which causes a lot of angst, ennui and discouragement, along with a healthy dollop of guilt just to help it all slide down like a glass-shard-and-thumbtack Jell-O mold.
I think I’m going to peg it as a combination of all three things and call me analyzed.
My point in all this is I’ve already started to circle the drain. I hate it when the spiral starts before I even leave because then I feel like I waste my remaining time feeling bad instead of enjoying myself. I’ve been feeling anxiety about the actual trip home for days – driving “all the way” to Oakland, being on time for the flight, the actual flight – the usual pre-trip bullshit my brain comes up with to drive me insane. That’s just my preemptive worrying, though. Once we get to the airport on time I will relax and everything will go well. And then….I’ll be home. That’s when, I’m afraid, the problems might start. I’m not liking the way this is shaping up so far. It feels like I might be in for a major crash and burn.
And, on that happy note, I’m calling it a night. Here’s to me being wrong and holding up better than I think I might.